#Sytycw2013 Pre-Day 4: My First Page Chosen for Critique!!!

OMG! You guys I am so very excited. I just wanted to share with you the first page of my book  Immortal Need and the editor critique 🙂 YAY!!!! I was chosen

Immortal Need by LeTeisha Newton
The dense sucking sound of the bullet slamming into his side made bile rise to his throat just
before fire and agony spread in its wake. The mansion was big enough to hide too many
enemies, and he had to get to his charge. He grunted, shutting down emotionally as much as he
could to ignore the pain. He couldn’t afford to stop now. Too much was at stake. He had to keep
going, but he’d brought Lei, the only Watcher not busy at the moment, with him on this mission,
and he knew the immortal would open his mouth sooner or later, and Sevani’s determination
would go with it.
3…2…1
“Old and slow. Man, you gotta see Valerie soon for some more seeds.”
Sevani chose not to respond, even if inside he smiled-just a little mind you. Standing a hair
over six foot three with cropped blond hair and dancing green eyes Lei was what Valerie called a
prime piece of meat. His slender frame belied the strength in his body, and the accuracy of his
shot. The man could shoot the wings off a fly without even taking time to aim. He’d also been
the warrior that had absorbed the changes over time. He’s gravitated to human technology and
their weapons specifically. Even now, clad in black cargo pants, boots, and a fitted t-shirt the
man was covered in guns. Two handguns were strapped to his hips, an assault rifle slung across
his back, two more guns strapped to his thighs and under his arms. Sevani would bet the man
even had a couple tucked into his boots and the band of his pants. Valerie, by contrast, was the
only female of the Watchers, and the (cough) strongest of them all. Born immortal, she carried
with her the seeds of immortality, something that he, Lei, and Alexander had to consume at least
once every fifty years to stave off death and aging. She didn’t need any weapons. When she
fought it was with her bare hands, and it was a sight. She could just as quickly rip a man’s head
off his shoulders as hug him. She’d done it enough during his lifetime. He may be thousands of
years old but he wasn’t old. He still looked no more than being in his early thirties.
“Quiet, Lei, and shoot; or are you getting old?” A gun blasted just shy of his ear and he
knew Lei had taken down the man who’d shot Sevani. With his ear ringing now he growled at
Lei and kept moving.
“One down, who knows how many more to go,” Lei quipped with a smile and shot past
him at a dead run. They’d fought, and survived, enough scrapes together in their existence to not
have to direct each other during battle. They moved in opposite directions, Lei firing his handgun
and reloading clips with dizzying speed, even as Sevani swung his sword. “Gods save humans
and their infernal technology,” he thought to himself, “I like my sword.”

Editor’s Critique: Well, at 500 words, this is a bit longer than one page ( :)), but I like how
it starts out with the action of the bullet going into the protagonist’s side. I’d caution the
writer, though, to introduce the characters more fully because it was a little confusing who
was who: Lei, Sevani, Valerie, Alexander. Whose POV begins the story? Aside from this,
the writer captures the paranormal flavor! Nicely done.

Read the whole thing here

Read other first pages here

As always, happy reading and writing!

LeTeisha

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