100 Word Pitch for #Sytycw2013

So, I’m competing in the So You Think You Can Write 2013 contest hosted by Harlequin. I am so very excited to be a part of this. I’m competing with my MS Immortal Need for the Nocturne line! I have to submit the first chapter of the MS and then give my 100 word pitch. I wanted to share this with everyone and see what they thought.

Here goes:

Ayah Miller wants nothing more than rest after burying her father. An immortal appearing in her bedroom and telling her someone is trying to kill her has ‘sleeping’ the last thing on her mind. Sevani, a Watcher for the goddess Freya, is a tortured man who killed his wife in a jealous rage and doesn’t believe in love. Tasked to kill the woman he’s falling for, Sevani can’t do it. Ayah doesn’t think he wants her as much as his wife’s soul she carries. Together they must defeat a goddess if their love is to survive…or die trying.

 

What do you think? Let me know  🙂

As always, happy reading and writing!

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4 thoughts on “100 Word Pitch for #Sytycw2013

  1. Ooh…sounds good.

    The only thing I’d do is blend the first two sentences to make it more active :

    …burying her father, until an immortal APPEARS in her room.

    “Appearing” is really passive. It makes it not sound like its happening in the present.

    Also, make it clear that he’s the one who’s been tasked to kill her. I wasn’t certain that was the case until the end.

    Good luck!!

  2. Also: (and then I’ll shut up) I’m intrigue about her having his dead wife’s soul. Can we get that in earlier – maybe indicate if he already knew that or if he discovers it when he comes to kill her and that’s why he doesn’t. That way we get more of his internal conflict.

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